You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
