First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
