Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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