He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
