the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
