What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I will be naked everywhere
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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