Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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