You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
we're making bets on your personal life
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize