He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
