you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
