I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
As shirtless as possible
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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