I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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