This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
