Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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