two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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