1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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