my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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