i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
