WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
