My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
