We won't sleep together?
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize