so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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