Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
