it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
there was a trapeze. enough said
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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