Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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