4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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