We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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