We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
