Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
