just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
