she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
