Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
