When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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