Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
