Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Boobs speak an international language.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
