Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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