I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
