She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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