apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
She needs sedatives and a leash
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
