Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
