Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I intend to get homeless drunk
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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