walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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