how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
