Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he was CRYING into my vagina
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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