i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
