Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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