Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
