Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
