My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
