please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
