I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
