He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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