ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
