so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It's shark week go big or go home
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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