I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize