Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize