I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize