Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize